Jun 15, 2007
I saw this abomination leaving work the other day.
The family thought it would be cute to post a photo of this poor
bastard in fake Oakleys on the bumper of his car...on his 50th
birthday no less!
Let's get something straight. On my birthday, I'm the goddamn man
of the hour. Screw that, I am the Man of the Year on that day.
Christ, the man made it to 50 years old! Do you know how hard that
is to do these days? In Windsor, Ontario?! Our air is like baby
powder, filled with grit and dust, except it comes from broken down
shit-bucket cars that lunch-bucket brains can't let go of...so the
powder is more like brake powder.
So, back to this poor-man's Tom Selleck...
He's got the gold chain on, he's obviously tanning on a boat at
Put-In-Bay for the long weekend. His moustachio is turning a little
blonde, and his JOakleys are hiding his bloodshot,
Coors-Light-Lakeport-Honey-Brown-and-Lucky-Lager-indicating-eyeballs.
Let's get a shot of this, and save it for his benchmark life
achievement. We'll put it in the local paper so all the guys on The
Force can laugh and point guns at him for being so lame, and then
we'll attach it to his bumper so EVERY a-hole in the city that sees
him driving will know that he's a
Coors-Light-Lakeport-Honey-Brown-and-Lucky-
Lager-swilling-over-the-hill-pretty-boy.
And when he gets home, we'll hang him by his nuts and beat him like
a pinata until he begs for death. It'll be the best birthday
EVER!!
Yaaaaaaay!
If you can't tell, I'm not a fan of the prank. Most people see this
as fun, but I see this as disrespectful. I would retaliate with all
the fury of a million maniacs and dig out my kids pictures from
when their busted faces were still forming in their skulls during
puberty and post them all over their high school hallways.
"Honk if you think I'm sexy, It's my birthday, 50," is supposed to
be funny.
This dude's family thinks it's funny to have people looking at him
like he's bad weather.
Nice family dude.
Hope you live another 75 so they can photocopy images of you having
your retirement-home-diapers being changed so they can dump them on
the unsuspecting citizenry of Windsor from a blimp with the
scrolling message, "Honk if you'd like to wipe this guy's
lily-white ass! He's 125!"
Tom,
RE: complaints about no comments.
This is angrier than your usual angry rant. Were you in a particularly foul mood on Friday, or do you despise old men in fake Oakleys that much?
Either way, we all know what *not* to get you for your next birthday...