Fri, 15 June 2007
I saw this abomination leaving work the other day.
The family thought it would be cute to post a photo of this poor bastard in fake Oakleys on the bumper of his car...on his 50th birthday no less!
Let's get something straight. On my birthday, I'm the goddamn man of the hour. Screw that, I am the Man of the Year on that day. Christ, the man made it to 50 years old! Do you know how hard that is to do these days? In Windsor, Ontario?! Our air is like baby powder, filled with grit and dust, except it comes from broken down shit-bucket cars that lunch-bucket brains can't let go of...so the powder is more like brake powder.
So, back to this poor-man's Tom Selleck...
He's got the gold chain on, he's obviously tanning on a boat at Put-In-Bay for the long weekend. His moustachio is turning a little blonde, and his JOakleys are hiding his bloodshot, Coors-Light-Lakeport-Honey-Brown-and-Lucky-Lager-indicating-eyeballs. Let's get a shot of this, and save it for his benchmark life achievement. We'll put it in the local paper so all the guys on The Force can laugh and point guns at him for being so lame, and then we'll attach it to his bumper so EVERY a-hole in the city that sees him driving will know that he's a Coors-Light-Lakeport-Honey-Brown-and-Lucky-
And when he gets home, we'll hang him by his nuts and beat him like a pinata until he begs for death. It'll be the best birthday EVER!!
If you can't tell, I'm not a fan of the prank. Most people see this as fun, but I see this as disrespectful. I would retaliate with all the fury of a million maniacs and dig out my kids pictures from when their busted faces were still forming in their skulls during puberty and post them all over their high school hallways.
"Honk if you think I'm sexy, It's my birthday, 50," is supposed to be funny.
This dude's family thinks it's funny to have people looking at him like he's bad weather.
Nice family dude.
Hope you live another 75 so they can photocopy images of you having your retirement-home-diapers being changed so they can dump them on the unsuspecting citizenry of Windsor from a blimp with the scrolling message, "Honk if you'd like to wipe this guy's lily-white ass! He's 125!"
Category:Tom -- posted at: 4:43pm EDT
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